Down the Rabbit Hole, into an Unwaking Nightmare
by BakaSmurf
Summary: Monster Girl Encyclopedia (SFW)
1. Chapter 1

**Pre-Story Notes:**

 _I'd apologise for this, BUT MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE HER NO LIAR._

 _Oh, right, also: criticism is appreciated. Not gonna get better if nobody tells me when I'm mucking up, after all._

* * *

 **Chapter 01: Lost and Confused**

* * *

Walking has always made it much easier for me to think. Just makes the chaotic mess of thoughts in my head somehow seem... More organised. Easier to sift through as I mindlessly put one foot in front of another for hours on end. Normally I was quite happy with this, meandering around town, wandering through the woods, traipsing along the beach... It was nice.

Normally, doing this didn't get me lost in the fucking woods.

I was hoping to do some cutting practice down at the beach later on in the day, so I'd brought a sword with me along with a bag of trail mix, some jerky, and two litres of iced tea in my messenger bag so I'd be able to spend some time down there without getting overly peckish.

I also kept a packet of matches, a lighter, a roll of snare wire, and a survival knife in my jacket with me, so worst case scenario I'd be able to baton some smaller logs with the knife or sword and start a fire to keep warm at night, but I was no fan of sleeping in the wilderness under prepared.

My sword was doing a decent enough job of cutting through the untamed vegetation which obstructed my path in every direction, but it was very clear that this wasn't what Katana-shaped Messers were intended to do as my arms were quickly growing tired while I grew equally frustrated at my predicament.

How the fuck did I even find myself so far off the trail? I couldn't have zoned out THAT badly! And Christ, this was really freaking the fuck out of me! I didn't recognise anything around me.

Hell, I'd been all over the island's forest, and it just didn't get dense enough anywhere to darken the ground! The sky almost seemed… 'Off,' from what little I could see through the ceiling like canopy above.

Even the trees were looking kind of weird! Blue-brown bark? What the fuck!?

As my sword broke through the next vegetation wall, I froze and stared in disbelief as I found myself face-to-face with a fucking mushroom as tall and wide as I was.

Okay, what in the actual fuck is going on here!?

I stepped forward as I cautiously approached the giant mushroom and slowly did a lap around it with a critical eye. My first instinct was to assume that it was a fake, a prop someone dumped in the forest at some point in the past like that ancient Coca-Cola sign and that bench that just randomly sit out in the middle of nowhere a few kilometres out of town.

However, a quick jab with a stick I picked up off the ground with my free hand confirmed that it was pretty damned real when it punched through the skin, revealing the pale white flesh within as I dropped the stick from shock, least of all because when I reached out to poke it I noticed that my arm suddenly looked like a bloody drawing.

That really threw me for a loop, to put it mildly.

I stepped back, squatted in place and raised a hand to my face as I started to actually think about my situation. Strange, eerily alien flora, unfamiliar geography, weirdly unrecognisable canopy density, a complete lack of any of the ravens that would follow any human around in hopes of picking up a dropped parcel of food, suddenly noticing that everything, myself included, turned into animated cartoons out of nowhere…

…

...Okay, I know that I'd frequently daydream about being teleported off to some kind of fantasy world while off on my walks, but…

I immediately stood up, pulled out my phone and checked for a signal.

Nada.

I've always had a signal while on the island, and I know for fucking sure that I didn't cross the causeway to the mainland at any point…

...Alright. Realist time here. I've always been mildly paranoid about something like this happening to me, it's half the reason I pack around a pair of knives and some real basic survival gear at all times if I can. This environment just doesn't belong in northern Canada, I have no cellphone signal, and I'm just getting the willies from everything around me in general.

I looked at the giant mushroom again, now with a stick-induced hole in it. It was one thing to think it, but if I'm right… Fuck, what settings am I aware of that have giant mushrooms? Could be the Mushroom Kingdom, The Shivering Isles, Morrowind… Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I think?

Didn't one of the Call of Duty games feature giant mushrooms in a multiplayer mode at some point?

Ah, Christ. I need to think. I'm hopelessly lost, so just sitting around isn't going to help much. Let's get walking for now and with luck I'll be able to formulate a plan-

!

I brandished my sword in a half-panic as every hair on the back of my neck stood up along with every one of my primal instincts suddenly flaring up to alert me that I was in immediate mortal danger. Twice in my life this has happened before; just before I was charged by a wolf while splitting firewood, and as I was charged by a bear while out hunting with my brother.

Several eternal seconds passed as my eyes whipped around fervently, trying to locate the source of the danger so I could put my sword between it and myself, though the feeling of danger passed as inexplicably as it appeared.

...What the actual fuck was that?! I… Okay, so, one doesn't get those kinds of feelings for just anything. Meaning this is an imminently dangerous fantasy setting. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

With feelings of my life now being on the line I quickly came up with a plan: turn the fuck around and go back the way I came in. Just keep backtracking along the path I made to get here and I'll surely-

"JESUS FUCK!" I only barely caught myself before I stepped cleanly over a fucking cliff edge and promptly fell on my back as I overcompensated my balance to avoid keeling over to my death.

Where the fuck-!?

I quickly jumped to my feet, my heart now pounding as I slowly leant forward to look over the inexplicable dead drop. That was a ten story fall, at fucking minimum.

Okay, there's a cliff's edge bordering the island on one side, but that side is a completely tamed suburb bordering the river, and was a mere two story drop!

This cliff loomed over a forest below, a forest which seemed to be sporadically dotted with giant fucking mushroom caps and multi-coloured trees I didn't recognise at all, at least not from a great distance.

By the looks of it, there really should be a forest in front of me that I'd have walked through to get here if my own footprints just randomly appearing from the cliff's edge as if I'd stepped onto it from thin air was any indication.

I looked up into the distance, to see… Oddly shaped mountains which couldn't possibly be natural formations which almost looked like they could have come out of a child's picture book, framed by a sickly purple sky unblocked from view by an ultra-dense tree canopy.

Okay. So, there goes any doubt in my mind about having been teleported to a fantasy realm… And my hopes of just turning around and walking back the way I came to get back home.

FUCK.

I about faced and sidled up next to the giant mushroom again, my thoughts all jumbled from that thoroughly unpleasant surprise.

After taking a few minutes to calm myself I looked back over the cliff's edge. As far as I could see, it was just untamed wilderness in that direction. Not even the barest hint of so much as a dirt road. So, that direction would bear no civilisation, which is…

I withdrew my compass from my jacket, looked at it for a moment, and deposited it back into my pocket in frustration. Damned thing was spinning about like a top. Guess this is one of those kinds of fantasy settings as well then…

I looked around and noticed that the mountain range seemed to be rather isolated and small, making it a perfect landmark to navigate by if I can keep it in view.

Alright, so, towards the mountains lays wilderness… I couldn't see the horizon opposite the mountains thanks to the forest blocking my view, but just heading in the direction opposite of said mountains seemed to be as good a plan as any for now.

With luck, I won't find myself having to baton firewood with my sword by nightfall.

* * *

As I pushed my way past another wall of vegetation, I nearly squeed in delight to find that I'd just passed the treeline and found a wide-open field with a simple dirt road.

That forest had really been starting to creep the fuck out of me, what with its berries that looked like perfectly shaped cartoon hearts, giant mushrooms, technicolour plants, bushes with bioluminescent berries, and a few flowers that bore an uncanny resemblance to a woman's… 'Parts,' which unsettled me greatly.

Not to mention that the air seemed unusually thick and heavy with a mildly sweet undertone everywhere. I'd thought nothing of it at first, just assumed I was imagining it because I was on-edge. Though it didn't get any better as time went on.

I was honestly starting to worry that the atmosphere wasn't quite the same as back on Earth, which was slightly worrying, I wasn't going to die in my sleep because I wasn't getting enough oxygen, was I?

I shook my head and pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Don't freak out over that. Just focus on moving for now.

A quick scan of the open field showed nothing considerably out of the ordinary, weird foliage such as blueish-tinted grass and assorted fantasy flowers aside. Just a dirt trail with a nice, clear view of everything around it, which suited me just fine after getting my ass and face whipped by Lord knows how many fekking whippy branches and vines while trying to force my way past all the local overgrown flora.

As I started for the trail it quickly became abundantly clear how very tired all that trailblazing had made me. My arms, in particular, felt like they were lead weights with all the chopping I'd been doing with my sword as I hacked away at particularly thick foliage walls.

Luckily, I also had the presence of mind to carry a rag and a small bottle of oil with me, so the blade wouldn't rust overnight due to a lack of maintenance, but something told me that was the least of my worries at the moment.

The sun was setting, bathing the field in twilight, and I could begin to see what appeared to be fireflies buzzing out from the woods to do their thing as darkness slowly overtook the area.

It was actually rather pretty, in all honestly. My still being lost in an unidentified fantasy world was kind of harshing the mellow that the sight nearly provided me, however.

With a weary sigh, I had to admit that I was gonna be spending the night in this field… Probably under that big ol' tree with a nice clear view of the area around it.

I knew full well how to construct simple survival shelters such as lean-to's, but I was in no condition to be hauling logs from the forest to that picturesque tree, and I sure as FUCK wasn't spending the night inside that creepy-ass forest, no siree bob!

I groaned as I started marching for the tree, already willing to just curl up under the damned thing and call it a night. I'd eat and have a drink before turning in, though. Don't want to be all weak and shit come sunrise, after all.

A quick walk-around and a few experimental knocks proved that the funny-looking smooth-barked reddish tree was in fact, just a tree.

With a sigh of relief, I kicked a few large-ish rocks out of my way, sat down, had myself a sad little survival meal, cleaned my sword, and shifted the towel I kept rolled up in my bag around so it'd be able to serve as an adequate pillow.

If necessary I'd pull it out and use it as a makeshift blanket instead, but the local climate seemed to be on the temperate side, so hopefully my jacket would be enough to get me through the night in relative comfort.

My belly at least partially filled, kind of shitty improvised pillow to cushion my head, and jacket zippered up to keep in the warmth, I lay down on my chosen spot under the big tree facing away from it and shut my eyes.

Unsurprisingly I found my mind wanting to go into panic mode and start freaking out about my situation once I wasn't distracting myself with moving, but I forced that fear down so I'd be able to get in a few hours. Holding my sword close to my chest also helped a bit in that regard, I'll admit.

With any luck, I'd wake without incident come sunrise and find a settlement after a few hour's walk. But for now, it would be best to focus on sleep.

…

…

…

...On a scale of 1-10, I couldn't help but wonder just how boned I really was, all things considered.

* * *

My eyes jerked open as every nerve in my body started screaming 'DANGER!' in unison again. By the looks of it, I'd managed to sleep clean through the night and well into the sunrise, but that was the last thing on my mind as I thanked fuck that I'd decided to sleep with my sword in hand, my primal instincts going off all at once as they were.

I'd evidently also turned over in my sleep, if my grade-A view of side of the tree I'd slept under was any indication, meaning that whatever was causing my instincts to scream that I was in imminent mortal danger was likely behind me at that moment, and lo and behold, I could hear something very audibly panting behind me, in a half-manic manner.

There were no accompanying footsteps, so whatever it was had to be just standing there, staring at me. Breathing unsettlingly heavily, as if it'd just got done running a marathon.

I considered my options, such as they were.

Flip around and brandish my sword at whatever is threatening me, or grab my bag and run without stopping to get a look at it. Running certainly seemed like a fair idea right then and there, but at the same time running was usually a terrible idea depending on the creature in question. Especially if it was a bear.

With great hesitation, I decided that it would be best to slowly turn around to try getting a look at the creature without spooking it into attacking me, and if needed put my blade between myself and it.

With near physically painful deliberate slow-motion, I craned my neck around to try catching sight of the fantasy beast in my peripheral vision, and after what felt like an eternity something did indeed come into view.

I felt a good deal of tension leave my body when it became clear that it was a person standing a good couple of metres away. Far enough that I trusted my ability to jump up and brandish my blade before they could close the distance, and so jump up I did.

I only managed to scramble to my knees before the entire figure came into full view, and I was struck dumb at the sight before me.

A Playboy Bunny. There was a girl, a ludicrously gorgeous anime girl wearing what looked like a well-made maroon Playboy Bunny uniform complete with ears, plus a matching, wide-open blazer which revealed the skimpy one-piece covering her torso. The only thing off about the ensemble was her long, flowing dual-toned maroon and pink hair, the bizarre carrot-pendant on her neck, and the inexplicable… Furry pink parachute pants- Or rather, parachute leggings she seemed to be wearing. What the actual-

...Wait. Her feet…

...Those aren't leggings.

I gave my mind a moment to spool up as I noticed the way the girl was looking at me. The naked, burning desperation mixed with unprecedented excitement in her reddish-brown eyes as she writhed in place, her face flushed bright red and her chest heaving with excitement as if she was just waiting for an opportunity to pounce-

Oh, shit.

Suddenly, it became very clear to me why my instincts were telling me I was in mortal danger.

I was looking at a March Hare. A walking rape machine which would deliberately misinterpret anything and everything a man would say as an invitation to force herself on him, and said raping would break the man's mind with magic, turning him into a mindless slave that existed only to serve as her meat dildo for the rest of fucking time.

I'm in Monster Girl Encyclopedia.

I'm in Wonderland.

There's a Mamono standing not four metres away from me, just waiting for me to utter a single word so she can do her fucked up mental gymnastics to justify pouncing on me against my will-

"Y-you look soooo hungry m-mister…" The Rape Rabbit suddenly spoke up in a sickeningly sweet high-pitched, and unsteady tone, breaking my train of thought as she reached into the pockets of her blazer and presented a small handful of multi-coloured hard candies in a grandiose manner. "Would you like s-some s-sweets~?" The bait was obvious.

...Oh my fucking God, this is going to suck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Pre-Story Notes:**

 _I wonder how many readers I'll lose with this chapter…_

* * *

 **Chapter 2: A Poor Choice of Words**

* * *

I remained silent, kneeling in place as the (admittedly stunning) animated girl continued to stare at me with blatant… hunger, her hands still outstretched and presenting a bunch of hard candies to me which also in all probability were, in fact, aphrodisiacs.

I was having something of a hard time formulating a plan to get out of this unmolested, simply put. Run? Nope, those legs are huge, probably rock hard and chiselled beneath all the fluff. Little doubt she'd be able to outrun me with contemptuous ease. Attack her? ...Yeah, no. Deadly force is a last ditch resort, not what I default to unless I'm in mortal danger.

...Though, mamono don't like violent men, right? Or was it that they don't like bandits specifically…? Gah, damn it, not the time to be pondering! I need to get out of this without getting jumped on! First off…

Not liking the idea of using it on a sapient girl, I moved to sheath my sword, and once it was part way in she excitedly took a step closer to me, which gave me a startle and caused me to draw the sword most of the way back out, which seemed to scare her back another step.

So… She's aware of the danger a sword presents, which suggests that she considers it dangerous enough to fear one when drawn. Good to know…

I kept my sword partially drawn from its sheath in hopes that it would dissuade her from getting too brazen in approaching me. Don't want to make myself look too approachable given the situation. I tossed my bag back over my chest before I raised to my full height, hand still on the hilt of my blade.

Now standing, I could see that she was maybe 5 foot 5 inches, not including her ears. So, not a very large girl. Probably still ridiculously strong compared to me, though- "I'm Bethany!" ...Okay, wasn't expecting her to actually introduce herself… "What's your name, mister?" I damn near opened my mouth and responded back on reflex. Damned genetically engineered Canadian politeness trying to get me raped!

Okay, anyways, her obscenely overt… 'Excitement' aside, she's actually behaving in a rather unexpectedly civilised manner, considering the whole 'rape machine' thing. ...Though thinking it through, it makes sense that a mamono would behave politely to a man that's clearly on edge and apparently ready to attack.

Why make a big conflict out of the 'marriage' when you can get your husband-to-be to just consent? God damn it, how am I gonna- "...Mister?" Gah! Damn it, stop talking, I'm trying to plan here! "Are you well? Do you understand me?" She deposited the candy back into her pockets and started gesturing at me, awkwardly, given that she hadn't stopped writhing in place at any point.

That actually does beg the question of how I can understand her. Was it ever stated that English is spoken in MGE? Well- Oh Lordy, I can understand her, it isn't worth worrying over right now! What I should be worried about is getting out of here without being raped!

...Okay, let's try this. I dropped into a quickdraw pose to make it look like I was ready to lash out if she got too close, then started slowly backing away from her at an angle so I wouldn't back right into the tree. She seemed confused for a moment, enough to stop writhing even, but started gradually taking steps towards me to maintain the distance between us. Oh, son of a-

She held her hands out in a welcoming gesture, giving me a beaming smile as she did so. "It's okay, I don't want to hurt you! Just the opposite! You're safe!" The way she was rubbing her inner thighs together was really starting to unsettle me… "Bethany!" She pointed to herself with a wide smile. "Beth-a-ny!" She then pointed at me, obviously thinking that I didn't speak the same language as her and trying to get me to say my name.

...Okay. Everything I read about the MGE setting suggested that behind all the sugar coating was a freakishly grimderp world where all sapient life was circling the drain because the Demon Lord didn't think her plan to convert all of mankind into monsters all the way through, given that mamono can't birth men.

To elaborate, that means that with every man that gets 'married' to a mamono rather than a human woman, they lose a source of reproduction. On top of that, human women transform into mamono upon contact with Demon Energy and lose the ability to birth men.

See the issue there?

Anyways… If it wasn't for her freakish writhing and the way her eyes kept drifting over my body with nary a hint of shame I might have actually been willing to assume that I'd been overthinking the setting and that she was just a friendly monster girl without ulterior motives, though as it is?

Yeah, I need to get the Hell out of dodge before things escalate.

I took a full step back and promptly fell flat on my back when my foot slipped into a random hole in the ground.

My head hit a stray log when I hit the ground, and I couldn't help but curse aloud in anger and frustration. "ARGH, FUCK ME!" It took me a beat to realise the gravity of the mistake I just made. "No, wait, I-!" I started in a half-panic as I attempted to scramble back to my feet, only to be roughly forced back down by the maroon bunny girl that seemingly leapt a fair few metres at me the moment I uttered those God-forsaken words.

"AAAAHA YEEEEESSSSS! I GET TO HAVE SUCH A MANLY HUSBAND~!" She started desperately grabbing at my shirt as she straddled me, seemingly attempting to tear it off as I tried to grab her wrists and pull them away from my chest, only barely managing to be successful in that regard. I am not a weak, nor small man, so it was rather fucking scary to find that this mamono was a bit stronger than me despite looking like a soft-skinned non-athletic girl.

"FUCK, SHIT, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, GET OFF OF ME YOU CRAZY BITCH!" On top of that, I was also now having to jerk my head around to avoid letting her force a kiss on me, leaving me with sloppy open-mouth kisses everywhere but my mouth, which I was not enjoying, to put it mildly!

"I wanna name our first daughter Beatrice, after my mother~!" She spouted out her crazy-ass clingy shit between attempted kisses as I attempted to force her off of me. How the Hell can such a small girl be so damned strong!? I was doing everything I could think to without hurting her, but I just couldn't get her to budge.

Fuck it, I'm not gonna just lay here and let her rape me!

I released her wrists, and when she moved to continue tearing at my shirt I took the opportunity to full-on open palm slap her on both sides of her face, which she pretty clearly wasn't expecting. "OWWW! Honey, I don't-!"

One final full-power slap to the face threw her off balance enough for me to throw her off of me and scramble to my feet to start running as hard as my legs would carry me. I didn't make it far before she tackled me to the ground again, though from behind this time.

"You're too rough honey, and I don't want to play chase right now!" FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

She pressed her chest into my back and brushed my hair off of the back of my neck to suck on the nape, doubtlessly giving me a hickey that I did not fucking want!

"There's no need to be shy my honey…" A hand found itself snaking under my gut and towards my- NO!

I brought an elbow back as hard as I could and received an unpleasant jolt of pain accompanied by a pained shriek as I made contact with her face, stunning her enough to let me scramble out from under her. I quickly jumped to my feet and saw her already recovering and preparing to jump again.

"Honey, I said-!" I didn't give her the chance to finish her statement as I wound up and haymakered her in the face. She screamed and clutched at her eye as she fell on her back and started whimpering and moaning in pain.

Had she not been attempting to rape me I might have felt something resembling remorse, but as it was I just felt violated at having my… At having been touched as I ran back towards the fucked-up technicolour woods as fast as I could.

Where previously I'd have stopped and cut through the thick vegetation, I'd instead opted to just plough through the shit with no concern for my clothes, or the numerous small cuts I was receiving over my face and hands as the multicoloured flora whipped by in a blur. I needed to get away from that psycho, and I wasn't going to slow down for a damned thing.

* * *

Eventually, I emerged into a clearing and taking a moment to consider where to go. I realised that I was giving her a very clear trail to follow me by. So I paused, and quickly decided to make like a fox and doubled around, heading back the way I came by taking another path.

With a little luck that crazy bitch would pass right by me on my way back and think I took off in another direction.

I paused, then took cover behind a particularly large tree, opting to wait until the damned rabbit passed me by to keep going.

I didn't have to wait long for her to come into earshot, and I found myself nervously gripping the hilt of my sword, which by some miracle had remained in its scabbard the entire time.

By the sounds of it, she slowed to a stop not that far from me, before I could hear her very audibly sniffing the air, followed by no small amount of annoyed grumbling. "He would have to come this way… So why can't I smell him…" Smell?

So mamono can usually smell men then?

"Honey!" She called out at the top of her girly voice. "It's okay, I'm not mad, I understand you're shy! Just come back and we'll make up, okay?" She paused for a few moments before huffing in annoyance and I heard angry footsteps stomping back down towards the clearing,

I had the sense to take it easy when I doubled back, so there shouldn't be a significant amount of evidence for her to realise what I did, especially if she'll be expecting me to have kept bull rushing my way through the brush.

I waited a few minutes to head back for the trail, and mercifully no rape rabbit came charging up behind me part way there. I ducked off in the woods before heading back out to the field to take a breather.

* * *

About a minute into sitting down I quickly came to regret my decision, as firstly, it gave my body an opportunity to relax, and for the adrenaline rush to wear off, which immediately made my everything hurt. I was worn out last night as it was, and to add on to that, I woke up to trying to escape from a monster girl intent on mind-raping me into being her husband?

Oh, and that whole nearly raped thing, which the not insignificant wet spot on my midsection reminded me did in fact nearly happen. That was kind of freaking me out, to put it mildly.

I'd also very nearly flew into a fit once I'd realised that I was in a Demon Realm, which are kind of known for transforming women into mamono and men into incubi by merely setting foot in one.

And I'd spent the night in the worst one.

Luckily, I didn't notice myself being freakishly horny, at least no more than usual, and I didn't feel very odd outside of being overtaxed physically. That had… Interesting implications. Nothing I was willing to make conclusive statements on, but perhaps my situation wasn't as hopeless as it first appeared?

Well, regardless… Just sitting here probably wouldn't be the best of ideas, least of all because I don't want to find myself stewing in my situation and getting overly fatalistic about the whole thing if I don't have to.

I unzipped the breast pocket of my jacket and withdrew a small travel capsule of extra-strength painkillers, which at minimum would make walking for the rest of the day less Hellish, as well as dulling the pain in my elbow, knuckles, and all the little nicks on my face and hands I'd gotten from running full-boar through thick brush.

* * *

After the drugs kicked in I heaved myself to my feet, sauntered over to the trail, and started following it with a grimace, my head on a swivel and my hand constantly twitching towards my sword every time a bizarre bird or something moved in my peripheral vision.

As I made my way down the trail I couldn't help but take in the sights. It was… strange. Sometimes it seemed like I was walking through a scene right out of the Disney movie, or No Man's Sky with the crazy-ass colours that made up the flora and fauna. It was actually rather enchanting to the point that my worries were kind of dissolving as I looked over the crazy-ass environment I was walking through.

Then I saw a flower that looked like a woman's privates dripping with sap, and was reminded that I was in worst!Wonderland, where all those fanciful characters are a good deal more… rapey, compared to their original incarnations.

I stopped and blanched when I considered just how close I came to being utterly overpowered, by a March Hare.

...Sweet fuck I hope I don't run into a Mad Hatter. Or a Jubjub. Or a Humpty Egg… Okay, I hope I don't run into anything else period. Especially not a Humpty Egg.

...Incidentally, considering it, there must be more mamono here than what's been revealed in the Encyclopedia itself so far. Which suggests that I may run into creatures which I'll know absolutely nothing about at some point, such as the Caterpillar, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, so many other characters… All turned into hypersexualized parodies with a hefty side of rapey behaviour...

Damn it! Fuck this world with nuclear fire! I want to go home!

I stopped as I realised something important in that moment.

...How am I supposed to escape this place?

I thought for a moment, and I at least remembered that Cheshire Cats could lead a man to an exit, though they lead into the regular MGE world, not Earth... And if said Cheshire grew fond of the man in question they may mislead him around the entire setting to keep him around, which would logically expose him to a crap tonne of Demonic Energy, and this is on top of Cheshires being terrifyingly powerful magical illusionists themselves...

...Okay, I'll see if it's at all possible to find a way back to Earth, and barring that I'll try seeking out a Cheshire, as the regular MGE setting is less fucked up than Wonderland is. I wouldn't look forward to living under the Order, but if worse comes to worst…

I glanced up at the sickly violet sky above and grimaced at how even the clouds in Wonderland managed to look completely messed up, like huge oily shadows ominously hanging in the sky, resembling something out of a Lovecraft story...

I dropped my gaze back to the simple dirt trail which stretched up and over a hill in the distance. I wasn't entirely sure where it would lead me, but it's an objective, something to follow for the time being.

I resolved to at least make it to the end of the road as I started putting one foot in front of the other again, with luck, nothing shitty would happen before I reached that point.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pre-Story Notes:**

 _I'd put something clever here, but I am not a clever man._

* * *

 **Chapter 3: The Man with No Name**

* * *

After a good hour of walking along the road which was starting to unsettle me with how unerringly normal it was compared to everything else, I came across my first structure. It was a miniature castle, about the size of an average American two-story farm house, kind of like one of those little Renaissance Fair castles. A wooden castle that seemed to be built from a child's building blocks.

Multi-coloured and square, I initially suspected that the blocks were just a facade, stone painted to resemble wood, but my curiosity got the better of me and I found myself stepping off the trail to approach and get a closer look. An experimental tap proved that the blocks were, in fact, wood. Wood that didn't seem to be held in place with any sort of bonding agent.

Must be supported on the inside, right? I gave a corner block a heavy jab… And it fell out of place and onto the teal grass. Curiously, the blocks stacked above it didn't fall with it. I wondrously reached out, took a hold of the block which was previously resting atop the now fallen one, and it came free with nothing resembling resistance to indicate that it had been locked in place.

It fell to the ground as expected once I released my grip on it.

...Huh. Considering the setting, I'm gonna apply Occam's Razor and assume that physics are taken as a mild suggestion so far as this building is concerned.

It was an open field around the castle, and lacking a moat, I decided to take a walk all around the building. Didn't take more than a minute, and I quickly discovered that there was no door, and the windows were all on the second floor where I couldn't see into them… Most curious.

I stood in front of the castle, looking all around. I couldn't help but wonder what was inside.

I reached out, placed a finger on an eye-level block, and pushed it all the way in. When it fell I saw that there was light coming from within. I walked up to take a good look inside, and was gob-smacked by the sight.

This building is no bigger than a farm house on the outside, on the inside? Fairfax castle from Fable 2, or the Red Keep's throne room from A Song of Ice and Fire/A Game of Thrones. It was about as lavishly decorated as one would expect a throne room to be. Red, black and white, velvets, silks, marble, pearls… It was breathtaking, and a downright… Intoxicating scent was wafting out of the new hole in the wall.

I began to reach up to start pushing in larger chunks of the wall so I could see in better, or even get in, when my view of the inside was suddenly broken by a large, violet eye angrily glaring back at me through the hole, followed by an equally irate, high-pitched Scottish female voice barking at me. "No invitation, no admission! Ya' pay like all else! Toss off!" Suddenly, the block I'd pushed in was roughly shoved back in place and I found myself staring at a solid wood block wall, utterly bewildered by what just happened.

I stepped back to the trail, and found myself doing another lap around the building to confirm that it was, in fact, rather on the small side. It was. So, non-Euclidian geometry… Should have expected as much from Wonderland. Even a rapey version of the place.

I gave the befuddling building another once-over before continuing down the trail. Something told me that would be far from the most bizarre thing I'd encounter before I found my way back home, and I wasn't looking forward to see what other oddities the setting had to offer up…

Only after I was a good minute's walk from the building did I realise how dumb that was of me. Going up to a strange building here, and trying to force my way in, after I'd already nearly been raped by one of the locals? The fuck brain? You just decide to take a break or something?

I shook my head as I continued to place one foot in front of the other, sincerely hoping that I'd be able to keep my wits about me going forward. Doing otherwise would… Not end well for me. To put it mildly.

Fuck me, I really need to keep my head on straight.

...And learn to watch my language, damn it.

* * *

Before long I found myself traipsing through a fungal forest. Mushrooms as tall as trees, and the ground was coated by a layer of mycelium rather than grass like a fungal blanket cast over the ground. It was mildly unsettling, and the whole place smelled rather funky.

Luckily, the dirt trail was still uncovered, so I could keep following it relatively unimpeded.

Only after I was very deep into the 'forest' did I realise that this would be the perfect living space for a Matango, or a Mad Hatter.

...Alright, I'll just keep my head on a swivel until I reach the other side for now. With luck I won't turn into a fucking Clicker or some shit before I'm through here.

…

…

…

I couldn't help but notice that the entire place was unusually quiet, no birds, no insects, nothing. Just silence. A very bad sign.

I stopped and looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of something, whatever was scaring wildlife off but nope. There was naught in sight.

With a shrug I kept walking until I caught sight of a particular spotted red cap mushroom just a few feet off the trail. It was maybe four feet tall, but something about the way it was shaped caught my eye.

As I approached I couldn't help but notice how oddly shaped it was. Almost like a really squat human, complete with hair-

I stopped dead in my tracks as it finally clicked. A Matango. Parasitic mushroom girl that's like… A Cordyceps zombie from The Last of Us, infects passersby with airborne spores-

Oh SHIT.

I stopped, horrified at the discovery. It was no more than a few feet away from me, I've had to have inhaled spores by now. I'm fucked, fucked! Meat dildo'd, fucking FUCKED! Nononono, fuckfuckfuck-!

I stopped, and furiously looked at the thing's face, ready to go for my sword and enact revenge on the abomination before I lost my mind when I noticed it.

It was dead.

Shrivelled up, its face shrunken and… Not looking entirely unlike a human version of the dead Deku Scrub at the start of Majora's Mask, there was little doubt about it.

I looked around me, and sure enough, there were small, spotted white cap mushrooms everywhere, which upon a closer look, all had small arm-like stalks on their sides… Psuedo-Matango. A dead colony...

Huh. That's kind of grim. Relieving, but grim.

As far as I could recall, the mushrooms can't infect anything once they aren't a monster girl anymore, so… I'm actually rather safe here. All things considered.

...That explains why it's so unsettlingly quiet here. The other monsters… Rather, inhabitants must be aware of what exposure to living matango causes and avoid the area like the plague. Even animals seem to avoid the place… Is it possible that even animals aren't safe from spores? Would explain why there aren't even insects around.

...I looked back at the shrivelling face of the dead matango, framed by wiry, completely dried hair. Suddenly I became aware that I was looking at a literal corpse.

I started stomping off with a purpose, that purpose being getting the fuck away from this place as quickly as possible, doing my best to not think too hard about the fact that every single little ankle-high mushroom dotting the fungal ground around the trail was at one point a fucking person, a girl that had a life before it was taken from them by a fucking zombie parasite infection…

I shook my head. Gotta just focus on getting out of here for now, let's just-

"Tis quite a disheartening sight, is it not?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, dread filling my entire being at the silky smooth feminine voice suddenly coming from a heavily shaded area off to the left of the trail.

"So many girls, denied their chance at everlasting happiness, relegated to a meagre existence as a mindless little mushroom…" She stepped out of the unnaturally dark shade of the great mushroom cap and took a few steps towards me, her wondrously proportioned hips gently swaying with each deliberate, likely calculated step which avoided so much as grazing any of the psuedo-matango mushrooms that littered the ground below.

A Mad Hatter, an… 'Evolved' matango.

Fuck me.

I found myself rooted to the spot in fear, knowing that if I'd been lucky enough to avoid inhaling any spores previously, any hope of that was gone now… Shit. Just… Shit.

She approached me with deliberate grace, her arms crossed under her chest and a small grin on her unnaturally flawless face, framed by silken two-toned teal and lilac hair which was gathered in two rear-length twintails at the nape of her neck. Large, sharp, gorgeous ruby eyes looked up at me through long, fluttering eyelashes, her wide-brimmed top hat-looking cap with a playing card tucked in the band cast a rather mysterious shadow over her eyes.

I couldn't help but linger on her clothing in spite of myself. She was dressed as sharply as one would imagine from a Mad Hatter. A red velvet Victorian coat with a ruffled white silk shirt covering her well-endowed chest adorned by a red silk scarf, and a perfectly tailored pair of black trousers graced her long, shapely legs, ending in a pair of fantastic red inch-high heeled shoes, all adorned with a playing card motif of spades, diamonds, clubs and hearts.

Curiously, she lacked any of the random mushrooms that dotted the form of the Mad Hatter cover girl from the actual MGE entry. It it wasn't for her being obviously highly reminiscent of that cover girl, I'd have thought she was just a gorgeous woman with a fan-fucking-tastic fashion sense and an impeccable air of dignity about her.

When I snapped back into clarity, I'd noticed that she was standing right up against me, and was taking a single, deep sniff of my chest. I was about to shove her away when she stepped back on her own, to my great surprise.

She gave me a confused stare before speaking up. "You are lacking in any scent. Most curious." She was looking me up and down with a critical eye now, while I was thoroughly confused.

A mamono that walked right up to me, took a great big sniff while I was distracted, and immediately stepped back instead of trying to force herself on me? I… Was not expecting this, especially not out of a Wonderland girl.

She took another step closer, and lifted her breasts up, as if she was presenting them to me, without saying a word.

...Um…

"You've been exposed to my spores for several minutes now, you have no scent about you, I present myself to you… And you do not take me?" She shifted her arms back across her belly, allowing her chest to rest naturally again. "Curious. Most curious."

I found myself speaking up in confusion. "W-why?"

She reached up and traced a hand across my chest, through my shirt with an idle grin. Normally I'd take offense at being touched without consent, but fuck it, I'm too fucking confused to care right now. "Here I was, fully expecting to have found myself a husband in such an unexpected location when you came into my sight, yet…"

She turned her back on me and seemingly stared off down the fungal forest trail I had been following for a few moments before continuing.

"Tell me, sir. What is your name?" My- Ah…

...Do I want to tell anyone here my real name? What if they have magic that lets one curse a person if they know their real name? But what am I going to tell her then? My internet handle? No, too… I dunno, just no. Maybe…

"...Ah." She suddenly started. "You hesitate because I am being rude. My deepest apologies. My name is Elizabeth." She presented her delicate, gloved hand to me in a manner reminiscent of an old world Noble woman. ...You're supposed to bow and kiss the back of a woman's hand when she does that, right?

I gently took her hand in my own, bent down and gave her a light peck on the back of her palm… And was rather confused by the highly amused look on her face when I shifted back up to my full height.

"I actually expected a more vulgar hand shake." ...Oh. Wait, why did I even kiss the back of her hand like that!? AGH! My head is full of fuck- Damn it, phrasing! To Hell with Wonderland! "It is rather… Pleasing to meet a single man who knows how to treat a lady, regardless." ...Okay.

She sighed suddenly, giving me a mildly remorseful look as I released her hand and attempted to avoid looking too embarrassed..

"It is most unfortunate that I doubt I would receive much, if any sustenance from coupling with you-" ...Hold on, what? "-mister…?" Ah, crap.

Uh… Need to think of something quick. I, uh… I glanced down at my sword, my katana that I wear edge-down and rest my wrist on as if it were an armrest like a certain Metal Gear character… "Jet-" Wait, no, 'Jetstream' sounds too dumb! Uh, think, think… I'm on a crazy-ass journey, exploring a far-off land nobody has ever seen… Ah! "-Setter." … Okay, lame, to be honest, but fuck it, 'tis not as if it's gonna stick.

She seemed amused. "Jet… Setter? Such a strange name..." She stepped closer to me again. "So, mister Jet… It seems to me that you are lost."

"You don't say." I couldn't help but respond in a droll tone.

She tut-tuted at me with a gloved finger raised to my lips. "Sarcasm ill befits a gentleman." Yeah, and I'm the very model of a refined fop. "Now, as I was saying." She allowed her hand to lower and crossed her arms under her chest again. "You seem to lack Spirit of any kind, making you unfit for marriage, I must sadly admit." I- hold on...

"Wait, what!?" If she's telling the truth…

"A March Hare or Jubjub would have been too excited by the mere sight of a man to have noticed." She stated as she reached out and gently touched a finger to the now dried wet spot on my shirt. "Though I am sure you have deduced by now that we Mad Hatters are a good deal more…" She paused as she raised a hand to her lips as she pondered her next words. "Perceptive, than they are."

"...Evidently." She nodded with a wry grin.

"Now, as I was saying…" She started with a smile. "This trail leads to the capital, where the royal palace is found. Be wary, traveller, for the land grows ever more… Eccentric as one approaches the Queen's abode. Should you find yourself distracted, you may find it increasingly difficult to relocate the path."

Hm… Wait. "Why would I want to keep moving towards the royal palace?"

Elizabeth haughtily laughed aloud for a moment before responding. "Do you not desire to return home, mister Jet?" Ho, what? "The Queen of Hearts is the Lord of these lands, quite literally." That's right, she created Wonderland as her own personal little sex toy box to fuck around with as her whims dictate. "She is able to bring people in, and send them back out as she wills, and once she learns that you are not able to integrate into our quaint little society-"

I couldn't help but snort. To which her nose wrinkled for the briefest of moments before she continued.

"-she will see little reason to keep you here. So, seek out her highness and she will send you home with nary a fuss." ...Well, on the one hand I know that Lilim are very dangerous to be around, and the QoH is rather on the… 'Whimsical' side herself… But she's making sense. Why would she want to keep me around if I can't be made into a proper citizen? I'm also apparently immune to magic, so I'm not at risk of falling in lust with her like the local men would be, and if a random Mad Hatter can behave in a civilised manner then surely the Queen of Hearts can too…?

Fuck it. It isn't any worse of a plan than seeking out a Cheshire Cat. "Okay, it's not like I have any better ideas to aim for."

She smiled brilliantly. "Fantastic… Here." She reached into her jacket, and withdrew a small slip which she presented to me. "Having this will grant you an immediate audience with the Queen of Hearts. Otherwise, you will be made to wait until whims compel her to allow you a conversation." I looked at it, a playing card? A Spade…

I took the card and pocketed it. It seemed odd to me, but Wonderland. Not worth dwelling on. "Okay, thank you for the pointer. Was there anything else?" She pondered the question for a moment before gently shaking her head.

"No, I believe that is all I have to offer you." She reached up and cupped my chin with a mildly remorseful look on her face. "Such a shame too. You are rather far from unattractive…" Suddenly she released my face and started sashaying back off towards the woods. "Well, good luck on your journey, mister Jet Setter." I saw little reason to keep her, and she disappeared into the dark and dank fungal woods like some kind of overdressed pervert with little fanfare.

...Well, that went surprisingly well, considering the setting.

...Probably going to be the last non-violent encounter I'll have for a while as well. Shit.

I found myself grimacing at the thought of needing to talk to the Queen of Hearts to get home. But… Well, it's as good a plan as any, given that I know a Cheshire would only be able to lead me to a portal to the regular MGE setting, which is a step up from Wonderland, but not exactly something I should be aiming for if I even think I can get back to Earth..

I wearily sighed as I continued following the trail through the mushroom forest, leaving the creepy Matango graveyard behind me as I went.


	4. Chapter 4

**Pre-Story Notes:**  
 _They see you as small and helpless, they see you as just a child..._

* * *

 **Chapter 04 - Trouble Comes in Pairs**

* * *

The mushroom forest eventually faded into a less bizarre multi-coloured European forest dotted with the occasional over-sized mushroom, which really put me at ease after that encounter with that Mad Hatter, Elizabeth. Mercifully, aside from a small animal passing into view every so often nothing happened before passing into a wide-open valley, like the starting area around Riverrun in Skyrim, though with far more fantastical flora and fauna, obviously.

A quick scan revealed what seemed to be a small village off on the other side of the valley built atop a cliff, a collection of maybe fifty or so buildings gathered like the White Orchard village from The Witcher 3, which seemed to be a rather eccentric collection of random aesthetic choices, such as Mario-style mushroom homes, rustic log cabins, as well as brick buildings. Quite a few chimneys seemed to be wafting out gentle streams of smoke, and I could even see very harpy-esque figures flying around the area.

So… Jubjubs, I'd wager. Which could also mean Humpty Eggs should I not watch where I'm going. I sighed, noting that the trail seemed to only lead directly to the village, with little in the way of alternate paths that wouldn't put me at serious risk of falling to my death or severe injury…

I reached into my pocket, withdrew the playing card Elizabeth had handed me, sighed, and returned it to its place. On the one hand, I didn't want to risk being jumped by a rapist, on the other, if the Queen of Hearts could send me home…

I continued down the path, gripping the hilt of my sword and hoping that I wouldn't wind up having to draw it for any reason. Though... well, Elizabeth _did_ manage to stop and realise I'm not really 'husband' material by MGE standards, and not every mamono can be an entirely unreasonable rapist incapable of higher thought. So maybe I'll actually be safe passing through the village?

Just keep my eyes on the road, try to look as unapproachable as possible, and avoid breaking stride. That'll be enough to keep girls off of me, right? Ignoring them?

...Ah, shit, let's just limber up and be prepared to sprint off as fast as my legs will carry me before reaching the settlement.

* * *

I could feel my chest tighten as I approached the village, a deep anxiety worming its way throughout my nerves and putting me on edge, least of all because as I got closer and closer, I found that I could hear lots of moaning, groaning, and animalistic screaming coming from the buildings, and once it was in clear view, even the streets.

People were openly going at it full-bore, with absolutely no concern for others seemingly going about their everyday routine, who were equally unconcerned with the public displays of sex just off of the main road. Jubjubs, March Hares, and even a few species that weren't native to Wonderland, like various Wereanimals, all in various states of undress and in an assortment of positions…

The smell was… Something else, to put it mildly. The sights, sounds, and smells… They were getting to me, and it was taking no small amount of willpower to keep focused on the road ahead rather than allowing my gaze to wander over the shapely, supple forms of all the girls coupling with their incubi husbands...

I noted that there was great diversity between the girls within their own species, which made sense, of course. No two girls are going to dress or style their hair exactly alike, which sort of… _Humanised_ them. They weren't all just copy-pasted clones of each other. They were all unnaturally beautiful, but even with the anime filter that seemed to be affecting my vision there were subtle differences that made it easy to tell between two naked girls of the same species.

Obviously, I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes forward, for entirely understandable reasons, I think.

Regardless, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and even managed to ignore a few lone girls that tried to wave me down. Even a few men, Incubi whose 'wives' were off doing something else I imagine, tried to wave me over, presumably to ask if I needed directions or something since homosexuality isn't allowed in Kenkou Cross's world.

A particular Mad Hatter performing orally on a man, taking the entirety of his _fucking immense_ shaft with each bob of her head, admittedly caught my eye, and I found myself staring as I walked by, causing me to not notice what was ahead of me when I walked into something.

I stopped, looked over with a start, and blanched at the long, oily tendril that was blocking my passage. I reached up and touched my chest where it had contacted me, relieved to find no wet spot, when a husky female voice spoke up off to my left. "What's the rush cutey? You clearly like what you see, why traipse by so quickly when you could partake?"

I looked at the source of the voice off to the right of the road… A woman, close to 7 and a half feet tall, about a foot and a half over me. Dusky skin complementing an absurdly shapely body barely covered by a ridiculously skimpy black minidress with a diamond face pattern.

Large, smooth horns that grew out of her scalp above her ears and swept backwards from under black and fire red hair framing a proud, noble face, and massive, smooth, deep, almost black red draconic wings with an oily sheen to them.

Her arms looked damn near armoured at first glance, but a second look made it clear that they were, in fact, smooth draconic limbs.

A Jabberwock.

 _Shit._

I tried to back the fuck off as a jolt of fear shot up my spine, but a tendril quickly lashed out and wrapped itself around my waist, before slowly pulling me towards the woman. I placed a hand on the end of the tendril with the intent to try ripping it off, when I felt something wet, and sopping as the tips of my fingers brushed against what felt like teeth… Suddenly I remembered that Jabberwocks have a pair of eel-like tentacles that come out of their back. Tentacles with fully anatomical mouths.

I found myself cringing at the thought that I just put my fingertips in one of those freaky fucking mouths before I remembered that I just caught the attention of a fucking _Jabberwock_ , a dragon girl with skin so tough that steel swords cannot penetrate it.

 _Fuuuuuuuck!_

I tried to struggle free, but the tendril, while relatively loose, was stiff as a steel coil, and upon looking up at the Jabberwock I could see that she seemed rather amused by my feeble attempt to break free. It became very clear that wasn't going to happen, so instead I sighed, and started walking towards her myself in spite of my survival instincts screaming at me to fucking run, since what fucking choice did I have?

She looked rather pleased when I stopped resisting, but her tentacle didn't stop figuratively reeling me in, though more lightly than previously.

Once I was within grabbing distance she reached out and placed one of her massive, clawed hands on my shoulder, accompanied by a prideful smile. She was, of course, absolutely stunning so far as human beauty standards go. But I honestly like my girls to be as tall as me at the most…

"So," The Dragon girl started, her husky voice coming out as smooth as silk. "Tell me my little morsel, what is your name?" I grimaced as I experimentally poked at the steel-like tendril still wrapped around my waist, she only grinned slightly harder in response.

God damn it… Well, suppose I already have a pseudonym picked out… "Jet. Jet Setter." My voice was very much on the shaky side, though I think I was entirely justified in being scared shitless right then.

"Jet… Setter? Hm…" I glanced around, praying that I could find fucking _anything_ to help my situation, when I noticed a ginger-haired woman wearing what I could only describe as a skimpy emerald green and chocolate brown Three Musketeers costume consisting of a primitive laced tube top worn under a cropped long-sleeved jacket with a mantle, slate booty shorts and leather thigh-high boots complete with a wide-brimmed feathered hat and a sheathed rapier secured at her side by an oversized belt rapidly approaching us.

"Lucrezia!" The girl called out with an excited wave. "Is this him? Did you get him?" She gestured towards me excitedly. "His clothes are rather distinct from known styles, and-" She stepped forward, and buried her nose in my neck, taking a very deep sniff before pulling back again. "He lacks a discernible scent!" W-wha?

The Jabberwock bent down, placed one of her massive fucking clawed hands on the back of my head, and for a moment it seemed like she was going to pull me into a kiss, paralysing me from intimidation, but she stopped mere centimetres short and took a long, deep sniff. "I would not assert that he lacks a scent at all…" Her large, golden eyes bored into mine, intimidating the fuck out of me. "Though he has no detectable _spirit_ to speak of."

The seemingly human girl jumped in place excitedly. "Then we have captured him! Yes! Hooray-!" Is that a Slavic accent?

"No." 'Lucrezia' started suddenly, causing the woman to stop with a dejected look on her face. "This isn't him."

The woman looked rather frustrated by this statement. "B-but-!"

"For starters, this adorable fellow's name is Jet Setter." The back of a smooth, fire red claw was stroked against my cheek, a smooth claw that could easily penetrate steel full plate. Sweet fuck, I've never felt so helpless before in my life... "He is also missing our target's distinctive feature-obscuring helm, is he not?"

The woman's hands clenched into fists. "B-but…"

"In addition, Jet's clothes, though distinctive, and mildly reminiscent of his, are clearly not what was described in the bounty." Lucrezia stated with a steady, smooth contralto voice.

Slowly, the tendrils unwound themselves from around my waist, though the claws on the back of my head remained.

"Pray tell," the massive draconic woman started. "Where are you headed, Mister Jet?"

Though her large, piercing eyes intimidated me into wanting to remain still much like a predator's would, I reached into my jacket pocket and withdrew the playing card, lifting it to her eyes. She mercifully backed up a bit to get a better view of it. "The Queen of Hearts." Her eyes widened in surprise. "I was given this to present to her, I was told it would grant me an immediate audience with her, and that she can send me home."

A few tense moments passed, and for a moment the lull allowed me to again notice that we were standing in the middle of a street which was currently experiencing a mass orgy. Holy crap, I couldn't help but tunnel vision on the Jabberwock when she stared at me to the point that I forgot about the village-wide orgy. This bitch is scary.

Lucrezia released the back of my head. "I see. That would explain why you are following the royal road." She turned to the Musketeer-looking girl. "Well, it seems as though this is most definitely not Geraldine's quarry then. _He_ absolutely would not actively seek out a Lilim, would he?" He? Who…?

I looked between the two women, before shrugging as I pocketed the playing card. Fuck it, not my concern. I'm not here to be a hero. I just want to get home, not get wrapped up in some other guy's problems, even if it sounds like he could also be from Earth.

The musketeer girl stepped forwards and gave me a withering glare. "Just who are you anyways?"

I backed up and returned her glare, rapidly finding my frustration growing. "Just some random asshole that wants to go home."

Her nose wrinkled at my foul language, and she gave me a quick once-over before responding. "You carry a sword, though you do not appear much like a warrior." Says the girl wearing a tube top, short shorts and thigh-highs… "How do you intend to get through the Valley of Defilement without an escort?"

I paused, admittedly finding myself halting at that name. Fantasy settings tend to be pretty damned straightforward in their naming conventions. If a place sounds evil, it's probably evil, and 'the Valley of Defilement' sounds like Mordor's ugly cousin.

The girl crossed her arms over her chest and gave me an unamused look before opening her mouth again. "You don't even know what the Valley of Defilement is, do you?"

I glanced down the road nervously. It disappeared around a mountain curve a fair kilometre away, meaning I couldn't actually view the land it led to very well.

A weary sigh came from behind. I turned to face the fiery orange-haired girl. "How long have you been here? In Wonderland, to clarify?" She finished with a stern stare.

I nervously placed my left hand on the pommel of my Everest katana, still sheathed on the left of my hip. Should I be honest here? I was concerned about being raped, but these girls are being pretty damn restrained by the standards of even the standard MGE setting, let alone Wonderland itself… Fuck it. I don't want to get myself killed by wandering into a death land without realising it.

"Well?" The redhead again spoke up with a mildly annoyed tone.

I shifted to face her properly. "I arrived yesterday. All's I know is that this road leads to the Queen of Heart's castle and that I need to talk to her."

The two girls shared a look before responding. "You're coming to the pub with me." The red-head stated as she reached out and grabbed my wrist… For the love of- "You're going to get yourself killed if you take one step outside of this village without knowledge of the land. I'm not letting you go anywhere with nary so much of an idea of what awaits you out there." ...Oh. Well, in that case…

I offered little in the way of resistance, and I caught an amused look from Lucrezia as I was pulled away from her. I heard her call out once she was out of view. "I shall continue tending to our actual duties while you bring a man to the bar, _partner_."

I grimaced as the sexy musketeer turned with an angry look on her face. "You know full bloody well that's not-!" As I turned back I just caught Lucrezia's wings spread out, and with one mighty flap, she was launched skyward with a gust of air and dust gushing over us as I raised my free arm to shield my eyes.

A cacophony of annoyed cries came from the assorted villagers around us, from those engaged in furious public coitus and simply going about their day. I suppose I'd get pretty annoyed if I got a layer of dust caked on my cock in the middle of a blowjob as well…

The girl leading me on had released my wrist when the Jabberwock took off and dived off the nearby cliff. I'd turned to see her clutching her hat in place with both hands. "That pompous, lazy good-for-nothing-!" She started muttering to herself, seemingly in annoyance while she patted herself down. "'Tending to our actual duties,' I'm sure! She's going off to find a rock outcropping to laze about on, useless excuse for a dragon…!"

Once she was sure her clothes were in order, she gave me a flustered look and muttered what might have been an apology. I had to admit, with the Jabberwock gone, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. With my confidence renewed, I should probably learn her name before I let her bring me into a pub. "Your name?"

Her eyes widened and she seemed to be fighting back a grimace. "C-Camille, of Novigrad." She bowed lightly with a flourish of her arms. "At your service." Either she fancies herself a knight of some fashion, or she actually _is_ some kind of knight. Would explain the high-quality material of her clothing and the fancy rapier on her belt.

"Why do you seem intent on helping me?" I started, curious, if not suspicious of her goals. "How does my fate concern you?"

She gave me a confused look before responding. "It is the duty of a knight to ensure the safety of the innocent. It would be disgraceful of me to not help you in any way I can." She glanced at my jacket. "Additionally, if you truly are on your way to the Queen of Hearts, it would behove me to aid you in service to Her Majesty if nothing else." She motioned outwards with a shrug. "Also, I have been in Wonderland for near two weeks now with nary a hint of this 'Rocket' being within, so I doubt that I am doing myself a disservice in putting aside some time to aid another." Rocket? Is that the name of the guy they're hunting? ...Eh, none of my concern.

...Hm. So, she's simply helping me out of the kindness of her heart and a sense of duty towards civilians? No lewd motives to speak of? I think I might be liking this girl already. "Okay, that is an admirable way of looking at things."

She preened at the mild praise, straightening her back and puffing out her chest, putting a bit of emphasis on her gifted bosom as she did so. I tore my eyes from her midsection before she noticed I was looking and got any ideas. "'Tis merely the duty of any self-respecting knight."

I nodded and quickly patted myself of dust before continuing. "Indeed. It's nice to meet you, Camille. So, lead the way." I stated with a gesture down the street, which I dryly noted was still populated by a few couples going at it with wild abandon.

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance as well!" As she took a step closer to me, I wondered what kind of Mamono she could be, no visible animal parts and all. Gonna have to ask. "Very well, let us continue on." She reached out and tried to take a hold of my wrist again, to which I pulled my arm out of her reach.

"I think I can follow you just fine without having my hand held." She gave me a queer look before shrugging and motioning for me to walk alongside her towards the largest building in immediate view. I complied, and once I was in step she quickly reached out and took a hold of my wrist with a sly grin emerging on her face out of the corner of my eye…

I'm gonna have to learn that there's no such thing as a single Mamono without lewd intentions, by the looks of it. With luck, she won't make this too difficult for me...


	5. Chapter 5

**Pre-Story Notes:**

 _I apologise for the wait, hit something of a wall and have been taking a while to put words to paper for both this and my other fic. Will try to get the next chapter done in a more timely manner._

* * *

 **Chapter 05 - The Calm**

* * *

My first instinct upon having the pub door swing wide open and have the smoky air contained within wash over me was to attempt to recoil in disgust. It smelled like… Fuck, I'm even sure how to describe it. Some sort of burning substance, sickly sweet and mildly… Rancid? Yeah, I'm not sure how to describe it, but I hated it.

Unfortunately, Camille didn't let me go, and in fact, pulled me in along with her. Good mother of fuck, the stench made me want to gag, and I pulled my shirt up over my nose in what was likely an entirely futile effort to make being in the pub more bearable.

The inside of the pub was… Hm, not entirely unlike an inn from Skyrim. Many more monster girls than normal, and the materials were more colourful than Skyrim's, but it was nevertheless highly reminiscent of the game and wasn't terribly well lit in all honesty.

There were a great many hookahs, or what resembled hookahs, around the pub, being actively utilised by the patrons. The smoke that was wafting out of their mouths in a manner which brought dragons to mind was bluish in tinge and was clearly the source of that god awful stench. The patrons had goofy and lecherous grins on their faces, clearly whatever drug they were using was an upper.

Based on the headache I was rapidly developing I couldn't help but suspect that the shit they were smoking isn't meant for humans. I was seriously considering forcing the suspiciously human-looking girl off of me and making my way back for the door, but it seemed like she was pulling me away from the main gathering area and to a less populated location.

Mercifully, it seemed that she was pulling me into a completely separate room, and after shutting the door behind us she moved to the other side and opened the window which overlooked a back street.

It was only then that I noticed how her face was crinkled up moments before she started speaking. "Blast, that stuff smells horrendous. I don't understand how they can smoke it…" She moved to the small table in the corner of the room opposite the bed- Oh, guess this is a rental room. Anyways, she pulled out a pair of chairs and motioned for me to sit down as she reached into her fanny pack and withdrew some papers.

I was somewhat nervous, but she wasn't trying to throw me on the bed or anything, so I moved to claim the chair before speaking up myself. "My head hurts now."

Camille grimaced as she responded. "I apologise for that, Calajorn is not meant for humans, but remaining outside would be too distracting, and I am going to need you to pay attention for this. Do not allow the pain to concern you, it will pass without incident."

...Incidentally… I made a motion at her before talking. "What are you, anyways?"

She stopped spreading out notes on the teal table and looked up at me for a moment with mild surprise clear on her face before responding. "You are not aware of dhampires?" Wha- Oh- OH!

I facepalmed in embarrassment before talking. "Of course, it's obvious now that you mentioned it…" Christ, I'm not usually this slow.

Camille cleared her throat as she pulled a sheaf of papers (wait, what would a pile of vellum sheets be called?) towards herself. "First of all, travelling rations. You are a human, so you are going to require proper food."

I sort of… Zoned out as she was talking, finding it rather difficult to focus right then. It was only my second day in Wonderland, and already I was feeling utterly whacked just moments after taking a proper seat. I'd been doing all I could to avoid acknowledging how damned tired I was, but I was finding it difficult to ignore the pain in my everything when not able to focus on walking.

My mind wandered to the playing card the Mad Hatter Elizabeth had provided me, asserting that it would grant me an audience with the Queen of Hearts… That was an odd thought. Though considering it, I probably shouldn't be attempting to apply logic to Wonderland much, if at all. She also mentioned something about things getting stranger as one approached the Queen's palace, so maybe around the castle, a playing card is a perfectly valid token of passage.

Everything seemed to be growing indistinct for a moment before I realised that I was nodding off and shook myself back awake.

I wearily dropped my hand as I heard Camille's chair skid against the floor. Suddenly she was standing before me, leaning over and scanning my features with a concerned look on her face. Uh…

She gave me a long look before speaking. "You are absolutely ragged and weary, in no condition to be travelling this day." Hold the- "I am afraid that I cannot in good conscience allow you to leave the village until tomorrow at the least." Oh lord…

I sighed and slumped down in my seat. Really not in the mood for an argument… "I want to get to the Queen of Hearts and go home as quickly as possible."

The dhampire was quiet for a while before responding. "You really know nothing of the land we are in, do you?" My eyebrows perked up. "The Palace of Hearts is two week's journey from here."

My eyes widened into saucers. Two weeks!? I thought- ...The fuck did I think? I… I haven't thought this through, at all, have I? Fuuuuuck... Two weeks. All's I have is some fucking trail mix and some jerky, a mouthful of iced tea, and… Nothing else in the way of supplies I know isn't tainted. That will not get me through a two week's journey, on foot at that.

She looked concerned as she spoke to me. "Listen. You are clearly in no condition to be doing much more than resting right now." She reached up and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I understand why you would be concerned about your situation, but… You are obviously different from other humans."

I made eye contact with her as I started talking. "How so?"

She cocked her head as she responded. "Aside from having no scent? You've spent a night in Wonderland, yet show no signs of Incubization." She stood back up at her full height. "That is not ordinary. Any other man would have girls-" She motioned at the door. "Trying to break down the door to get to him, though you?" She returned to her chair, seating herself with practised grace. "Not even a second glance from a Jubjub."

I blinked in surprise as I processed what I just heard. "Jubjubs?"

The dhampire nodded. "You might have noticed several flying over the village before arriving. They would have noticed you for certain, and Jubjubs are notorious for being… Aggressive in their fervour for new men."

Huh. Well, doesn't take a genius to put two-and-two together here. I obviously have no spirit energy scent to pick up on and am either immune or extremely resistant to Demonic Energy… Either way is good for me, though I'm going to assume 'highly resistant' and try to work towards getting home as quickly as possible. Though…

I cleared my throat before speaking up. "That didn't seem to stop Lucrezia or Bethany from noticing me."

Camille's eyebrows quirked as she responded. "Bethany?"

I let out a long-suffering sigh. "A March Hare. The first person I ran into when I arrived in Wonderland."

Camille noticeably cringed at 'March Hare' before speaking. "Ah, yes… Well, March Hares have been known to… Solicit particularly masculine human women before realising their mistake. Usually after throwing them on the ground and tearing off their clothes." Huh. Really? So they're horny to the point of being airheads that fail to even notice a lack of spirit energy then. "And Lucrezia…" She sighed. "Well, she took notice of you due to your unusual appearance."

I glanced down at my jacketed arm resting on the table. "My appearance?"

She nodded. "Yes. As I mentioned earlier, we are searching for a particular man. He wears an unusual fine leather jacket, trousers similar to yours and, most strikingly, a strange oversized helm which obscures his face with what seems to be black glass." ...Sounds like a biker from Earth.

I grunted in response. "I see…"

Camille sighed again. "Honestly, out of the corner of the eye, you more resemble an Order Knight with that jacket. In retrospect mistaking you for him…" She looked a tad embarrassed. "...Incidentally, you wouldn't happen to have seen or heard of our quarry, have you?"

"No." I reflexively responded without thinking. Even had I, I wouldn't tell them, seeing little reason to cause trouble for another poor bastard from Earth.

She visibly drooped in her seat. "I see…"

It got rather quiet for a few moments, and I found my eyelids growing heavy without any kind of stimulation keeping my attention. Camille seemed to notice.

"Okay, it would be best for you to go to bed. We shall go over information on the area and the journey to in the morning." She pointed to the bed after she stood.

I sat quietly, suddenly noticing that there was only the one bed. "Uh..."

She continued. "I'll use Lucrezia's room… I sincerely doubt that she will return to use it tonight, not to mention that she is simply too big for the provided bed." She started for the door. "It may be early, though I'm sure that you can do with a few extra hours. Sleep well, Jet."

With that Camille left, allowing a small amount of the nasty smoke in the room for the few moments the door was open. Leaving me alone.

I allowed myself to sit in relative silence for a spell before forcing myself to my feet and to towards the bed. While the sun was still above the horizon, I had to admit that I was finding myself very much on the weary side. With a grunt, I closed the window and drew the curtains before plopping down on the unexpectedly soft feather bed… Must be stuffed with Jubjub feathers.

I tossed my jacket on the table across the room, rolled onto my side, clinging my sword to my chest as I did so.

Well, that's two nights in Wonderland, then. Managed to barely avoid being raped so far… Let's hope that the upcoming morning will be a lot less stressful than this morning had been.


	6. Chapter 6

**Pre-Story Notes:**

 _Ded story lol_

* * *

 **Chapter 06: Happily Ever After**

* * *

I was awoken to the sound of birds cheerily chirping as the sun shone brightly on my face. With a groan, I pushed myself up and rubbed at my eyes to get the gunk out of them as the sheets slid from my chest.

Mornings were never my thing, so I was more than a little uncoordinated as I reached over for my desk to check the time on the clock. 7:00 AM, not bad considering my usual sleeping habits, I wearily thought to myself as I kicked my legs out from under the sheets and over the edge of the queen-sized bed, my feet settling on the gray carpet beneath-

 **...WAIT!**

Immediately I was up and on my feet, my head whipping around back and forth as if a dog just heard someone call out 'squirrel!' I…

I'm home.

I turned around and looked at my bed, then at my swords propped up in their corner of the room, pondering for a moment before it hit me.

It was all a dream. I never left for that hike, I was never in Wonderland…

"YES!" I threw my arms up in the air as I started gleefully running about my apartment, cheering all the while. "YES! YES YES YES YES, OH GOD THANK YOU YEEEES!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I came to a stop in my living room, getting a clear view of the town outside the window. Yup, definitely boring Northern Canada. No bullshit perverted Wonderland creatures to speak of, just ol' Cheeseburger sitting at his spot on the bench behind the hospital.

"This… Holy mother of fuck, there are no words…" I stood in place, trying to control my breathing as my elation threatened to throw me into a joyful fit. "Okay, okay, calm down, it's all over now…"

With a calming breath, I decided to go about my normal morning routine, albeit with a particular spring in my step that was ordinarily absent. After a morning shower and shave, I noticed that I was running low on ice tea crystals, and so set off for the store to purchase some more elixir of the Gods.

* * *

The lock on the door engaged with a metallic clink moments before I returned the keys to my trusty jacket's pocket and moved for the kitchen, shopping bag in one hand, piping hot meat lover's pizza in the other. It would be rather unhealthy for me to eat an entire pizza to myself, but fuck off, I deserve this after what I went through!

I set the bag on the kitchen counter, set everything in their respective cupboards, tossed open the lid of the mouth-watering fresh pie and decided that I could eat it at my computer desk.

With a jaunty jig, I stepped into my room, my eyes on the succulent prize in my hands the entire time, just fantasizing about taking my first bite into the tantalizing p-

"Hey, darling." I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a few moments for my brain to register the foreign voice coming from the other side of the room. But I live alone- OH SHIT-

I reached for the katana sitting near the door and spun around with it brandished in front of me as I faced the intruder, sword in one hand, pizza in the other to see…

...A woman with an unbelievable body, with dual-tone purple and black hair, dressed in what seemed to be a purple and black gothic lolita mini skirt lounging on my bed. She was reading my copy of Alice in Wonderland, her large, furry hands idly turning a page as the large feline ears atop her head twitched and the long, striped tail protruding from within her skirt idly wagged about.

...Oh no.

"I was thinking pizza tonight." The unnaturally gorgeous girl stated as she removed her slitted pupils from the book and redirected them to me, still standing on the other side of the room. "How would you feel about Hawaiian?" She asked with a sudden, too-wide grin. I reflexively glanced down at the pizza in my hand, to notice that the meat lover's suddenly had pineapple on it, as a loud and catty laugh erupted through the room and I felt my heart drop out of the bottom of my stomach.

 _"Nya-ha ha ha ha ha ha!"_


	7. Chapter 7

**Pre-Story Notes** :  
 _Remember when I said that the fic was dead and that it wouldn't be finished?_

 _I lied._

 ** _Surprise_** _ **, motherfucker!**_

* * *

 **Chapter 07 - Think again, boyo.**

* * *

With a terrible jolt, I found myself falling out of bed and scrambling to my feet in a great panic until I recognised my surroundings. I was still in the inn I'd fallen asleep in the previous night. Not back home in my comfy Earth bed, but in Wonderland.

I wanted to grab one of the chairs of the table I'd been sitting at the previous night, and just let loose on everything in the room. Smash, and scream, and wail, and curse everything for jerking me around so. Of all the dreams, of all the fucking dreams I had to suffer, it had to be one of waking up back home, back where I was safe.

But then I remembered the Cheshire at the end, and my fury was quelled, if only mostly. As terrible and disheartening of a dream as that was, it meant that the Mamono hadn't found their way into my world, that Earth was safe.

I breathed a sigh of mixed emotions, relief, anger, sorrow, resentment… Seems as though it's not going to be as easy as that. Gonna have to buck up and make it to the Queen of Hearts if I want out of this hellhole.

I stood from the bed, lifted my jacket from the table, and withdrew the playing card Elizabeth had given me earlier. I just had to make it to the Queen of Hearts, and this nightmare would end.

I deposited the card back into the jacket's inner breast pocket, threw the outer layer back on, and promptly slid my katana back into its frog on my hip.

"You won't break me." I stated aloud, to nobody in particular, though also to the realm itself. "You fucking hear me, Wonderland, you wretched pile of degenerate shit? _You. Won't. Break. Me._ "

* * *

As I stepped into the Inn's main reception, bar, and apparent party area, it quickly became apparent that the crew there had gone on all night, and only recently passed out if the thick stench of that horrid drug Calajorn's still being present in the air despite the lack of smoke was any indication.

I glanced around the room which was filled to the brim with passed out Mamono and Incubi all piled up on top of each other in random heaps, to notice Camille waving to me from the bar, which was being staffed by a cow girl from the looks of it.

Though I was tempted to just leave without engaging her, knowing better than to trust a Mamono, I would need a guide and food if it was really a two-week long trip, and she'd know better what could be foraged and eaten better than I.

So only mostly against my better judgement, I approached her, and did my best to ignore the curious gaze of the cowgirl barmaid that seemed rather surprised by my presence.

"Good morning, Jet." The scantily clad dhampire chirped. "You seem to have slept well."

I couldn't help but snort derisively as I responded. "I'll have to disagree with you there." She looked somewhat concerned before I waved it off. "Doesn't matter, I'm sore as shit, but I'm at least not tired anymore. So, that aside, I'm going to cut to the chase here because I don't want to waste any time. Would you be willing to guide me to the Queen of Hearts?"

She seemed a tad taken aback at how forward I was being, and her eyes narrowed as she looked off to the side, seeming to consider my proposal- "Yes." She responded quickly.

"Oh," I started lamely. "Wasn't expecting you to say yes so rapidly."

She stood from her stool with a stretch. "Any excuse to get away from that insufferable Lucrezia is one I'll happily jump on." She responded with a smile. "And any dhampire would be quick to help a person in need. It's in our nature to be helpful towards your kind."

And she'll be trying to get into my pants the entire way… But if I'm remembering correctly, she won't attempt to force herself on me at any point, she'll keep other mamono from forcing themselves on me, and with my apparent resistance to the corruption, I should be able to hold out and keep my dick out of her.

...Though that would be difficult if she starts actively courting me, I admitted internally, finding it difficult to not notice her voluptuous, well-toned and mostly uncovered body even when focusing on her face. _Be strong._ I commanded myself. _Buckle for nothing and no-one. You will not be bested, you are unbreakable._

I nodded appreciatively. "You have my most heartfelt thanks, regardless."

"Think nothing of it, Jet." She asserted with a wide, beautiful smile.

 _You. Are. Unbreakable._

I coughed and decided to press the issue of moving on. "So, what will we be needing for the trip?"

Camille nodded, and turned to address the barmaid. "We'll need enough travelling rations to make it to the next settlement, and a tent, if you happen to have any."

* * *

With my new, local-made canvas and leather backpack in place on my back along with my trusty messenger bag, containing enough food to get us by for a few days which _probably_ wouldn't corrupt me as well as a small tent only just big enough for two (seems another human that got Shanghai'd into the realm had left it there before being Incubized by a jubjub, so the barmaid just let us take it), we passed by the village limits and found ourselves marching along the cliff's edge trail I'd noticed on my way into the village.

Camille was significantly stronger than me, but if we got into a fight I didn't want her loaded down with a bunch of crap when the rapier suggests she's a nimble type, so I'd decided that I'd be the designated pack mule for the duration of the trip.

"Okay, so," Camille started as we neared the sharp turn that would place the cliff between us and the jubjub village. "It should take us two days to reach the Whispering Meadows, which is where the next closest village on the way to the capital is." Apparently most settlements didn't bother to name themselves in Wonderland, for whatever reason. "We'll have to pass through the Fertile Woods on our way there if we want to waste as little time as possible. There are a lot of Cheshire Cats there, but they should keep their distance when they notice that I'm travelling with you."

"And why is that?" I grunted as I adjusted the heavy bag on my back.

"Cheshires aren't known to make advances on another Mamono's man, and most will assume that we're together." She stated nonchalantly. In any other case, I might have protested such an assumption, but if it'll keep Mamono from bothering us, then I'll suck it up.

"You sure about not telling your partner that we're leaving?" I asked warily.

"She'll eventually find the note I left for her in her room." She sighed. "And I'd really rather not have her around while I'm with you. Like all Jabberwocks, she thinks she has the right to dominate men as it pleases her, and I wouldn't be able to tolerate that kind of behaviour with someone I've sworn to protect." She stated resolutely, never taking her eyes off the map she was looking over.

I grunted non-committedly and redirected my gaze down into the valley the stacked cliffs we were travelling along overlooked. The technicolour fields and forests really were just flat-out beautiful and pleasant to look at. Shame about the whole rape dimension thing, but I could see why some ignorant people might think that Demon Realms might not be so bad, given how gorgeous most everything had been up to this point.

Of course, I knew better than the average peasant living in settlement that borders a demon realm, but the sights were lovely if nothing else.

Eventually the persistent squawking of the jubjubs and ever-present sounds of unrestrained sex faded behind us, leaving only the wind and the occasional chirping of ordinary (by Wonderland standards) birds that were perched atop the occasional underdeveloped tree which clung to the side of the evidently nutrient-poor soil of the trail. There were also a few flying lizard things, and what I could only describe as a living balloon animal that lazily floated by us in the empty air overlooking the valley.

It was… Pretty nice, actually. If I ignored that the far too pretty girl walking along me was a literal monster girl, and didn't focus too much on the fantastical flora and fauna, it was almost as though I was out on a regular hike again.

...Fuck hiking, I'm never going into nature again once I find my way back home. Fucking random forest portal to Wonderland _bullshit_.

Putting one foot in front of the other, I buried my frustrations, took a deep breath, and forced myself to keep moving as I rested my off hand on the hilt of my katana. Giving up now would be bullshit, and lord help me, much as I know I'll hate every step along the way, how I'll probably wind up regretting everything before this is all done…

I _will_ see this journey through to the fucking end. This world...

 _Will. Not. Break. Me._


End file.
